Listen up you primitive screw-heads! My name is George and I am slave. When I’m not slaving, I’m watching movies (one of the few perks of working at this corporate hell known as the movie theatre). As a matter of fact I watched one last night called Oz the Great and Powerful. I have to say that I was pretty excited to see this one. the Wizard of Oz is one of my beloved childhood movies. In addition to that, Sam Raimi, a man who has directed some of my favorite movies of all time, directs this new Oz adventure. As I was watching it I noticed something besides the occasional blurry 3D effect; Oz the Great and Powerful is basically a remake of an earlier Sam Raimi movie and maybe you’ve heard of it, its called Army of Darkness.
Well the Oscars happened. Was it as good for you as it was for us? It wasn’t super good for us either, mainly because we were working.
It’s easy to imagine that old Brad Coop feels similarly.
We got the gist of it from what we saw at the bar next door during the many beer/cigarette breaks we take though. Here’s a couple of lists we shat out that comprise the GOOD, THE BAD, and THE WHATEVER of the 2013 Academy Awards.
Circa 1995-1997, my bedroom walls contained the following: X-Files trading cards, “Got Milk?” ads, posters of 1996 Olympic gymnastics champion Dominique Moceanu, and a shit-ton of pictures of my favorite actor EVERZ, the *totally* **super attractive** Leonardo DiCaprio.
This was one of my favorites, but I couldn’t tell you why.
I was a lady obsessed. I watched whatever I could get my hands on, which wasn’t much at the time, considering I wasn’t allowed to watch rated-R movies. That meant the drug-filled film Basketball Diaries(1995) was out, as was Total Eclipse (1995), best known for featuring fun naked gay times with David Thewlis. But I did watch a lot of “Growing Pains!” He played a sad homeless kid who Mike Seaver took under his wing. I remember the episode when the whole family was worried that Leo’s character, Luke, was a drunkie, but it turned out that he was pouring the family’s liquor supply down the sink because his father was an alcoholic and being around booze made him sad. 😦
This year, the Black George Clooney is nominated for an Oscar, for his role in the movie Flight. Oh I’m sorry, Denzel Washington, not Clooney (hahaha racist.)
Who is this “Oscar,” and why is he so into downers?
I lost a little less than four hours of my life watching both the animated and live-action Oscar Nominated shorts throughout this last week. I’m never going to get those four hours back.
Welcome back to another exciting installment of Fuck The Oscars month! It’s been a while since the last post, but please forgive, for the angry ushers have been busy cleaning up after all of you messy sons-of-bitches. Although it would be easy to rant about the disgusting shit we deal with on a daily basis, I’m sure you cretins would rather read about something movie related, so here it goes: FUCK THE OSCARS! I hate the Oscars with a severe passion; the hate runs deep. Actually, award shows in general piss me off. A bunch of old geezers, sitting around, voting on the same stupid kind of movies every fucking year. We have proof that it is bullshit!
Sometimes when dogs take really big shits, they go to great lengths to cover them in dirt. They stand in front of the doodie and kick their legs repeatedly, even if that shit was taken on a concrete patio and the dirt is imaginary. It is just instinct.
“I think it’s total, utter bullshit and I don’t want to be a part of it.”
“It’s the stupidest thing in the whole world.” — Joaquin Phoenix, Interview Magazine
These are only a couple of the gems Mr. Phoenix let loose during an interview with (duh) Interview Magazine. As if we needed further encouragement, this cements Joaquin Phoenix as our hero, and also as our choice for Best Actor, but not for The Master. Fuck the Oscars, remember? Today we are all about Russkies (1987). Russkies gives us a young Joaquin, or Leaf, as he was known in the late 80’s, the time of wholesome community picnic montages and magically-feathered bangs.
If we look at Russkies as a document of it’s time and cultural milieu, we can extract important facts about America in the late 1980’s:
America is #1. It is an expansive, tight-knit, 24-hr community BBQ
Americans are rightfully defensive of their home, but sometimes misunderstanding of outsiders. With gentle nudging we can be taught acceptance and tolerance.
Fuck homos.
Why wasn’t Russkies given an Oscar nod? Like The Master, it explores such themes as sailors stumbling into identity crises, turgid father-son relationships, and, perhaps most importantly, rampant alcoholism.
Russkies is about a group of three rambunctious, pre-pubescent runts, who spend their days mimicking the militant occupations of their fathers. Joaquin Phoenix plays Danny, the tough, diamond-eyed rapscallion of the group. Peter Billingsley (better known as Ralphie from A Christmas Story, 1983) plays the bespectacled and reasonable son of a former conscientious objector. Stefan DeSalle plays the tech-savvy, well mannered son of a marine, as well as the token Black friend. They have access to two motor boats, a classic American-made car, and eventually a jet pack. Idyllically, their play involves taking one another hostage, and guarding the “bunker,” which is actually an abandoned underground naval bunker. Profoundly enough, they are little microcosms of their fathers. When a Russian sailor, or “Russkie,” washes ashore, he picks the least safe hiding place you could imagine: the privileged whipper-snappers’ bunker! Shit gets real.
Eventually, the kids learn that though he is a lost foreigner, he means well and is really just curious and fun-loving like they are, just like E.T. (or just like the alien from Mac and Me 1988, if you’re into movies that McDonalds produced in the 80’s).They procure for him a fifth of vodka for dinner, and although Leaf Phoenix is wary (his dad is the crazy veteran), the boys bond with the effervescent Pinko, as displayed in one of the most epic (read: cliche) montages any of us has ever seen.
This movie lends itself to quite a few drinking games, one of which is 1 American flag = 1 shot of vodka. Think about it, you would get wasted. But also, did you count the number of American flags present in that montage? Yeah, there are a lot of those in this movie, and that’s the point. AMERICA FUCK YEAH. This movie works to breakdown some of our American barriers, but it also does a lot to establish other American boundaries. Even though the kids learn that the Russkie is a cool guy who is not only great to drink vodka with, but also one who plays a mean game of miniature golf, they have to remind him again and again that Americans are strictly No-homo. He is always trying to express his affections for his newfound friends by hugging, or dancing, or trying on really flamboyant outfits. It seems like the boys constantly have to remind him that Americans boys don’t hug men, and also that he looks gay in blouses. They decide he looks much more masculine in a royal-purple polo top accessorized with a yellow Walkman. During a little scuffle, things get heated and the word “homo” is thrown. It effectively wins the argument.
Leaf Phoenix gives a chilling performance in this movie, one that really predicts his future as a Hollywood badass. Just like real life, young Leaf doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t trust the Russkie until he sees reason to, just like he doesn’t trust the Oscars to honor his great talents now. He looks into the camera, and into our hearts, with the same piercing blue stare that won us over with The Master. His voice is tender, and cracking with the complex vulnerability of puberty. Truly talented as a child actor, he flaunts the American flag, but also remains gracefully in-character, even when he plays second fiddle to a balloon that looks suspiciously similar to a dick and balls.
– Rayna and George
Are you interested in submitting a review, or sending any hate mail? Please email any and all to TheAngryUsher@gmail.com, but please, no hugs. Those are for homos and commie-scum.
February is here and that means one thing, the Super bowl. Good luck gamblers. Remember though, when that thing between the commercials is done, take your winnings and, “Let Em Ride” onto the Oscars. However here at the Angry Usher, fuck the Oscars. So save your money or give your baby mama her child support. AHH not so fast, don’t forget your other baby mama.
This year the great Robert De Niro is nominated for his supporting role in that movie that had so many memorable scenes, like that one with Jennifer Lawrence in yoga pants, Silverpanties Playbook. Although enjoyable, his performance could have easily been portrayed by my father, also a crazy man in a robe who occasionally says some inspirational shit. I enjoy me some De Niro, but he’s been in better roles that Oscar didn’t award him for. He didn’t get a naked gold guy for: Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, Cape Fear or Awakenings, where Bobby-Boy plays catatonic for a large chunk of the film. Acting, my friends, is an art form and true art is never fully appreciated. I read that on a bathroom wall, but the word “acting” was replaced with the word “shit”, which made me release two toots (of laugher). Good quote nonetheless.
The King of Comedy is a De Niro movie that was overlooked for a nomination. He is Rupert Pupkin, an aspiring comic who wants to make it into showbiz. As a funny man myself, I instantly related to stand up Bob, until I found out he isn’t that funny, and he’s sad as fuck (ok I found it VERY RELATABLE). Envision Rupert as Travis Bickle, but with talent. He’s a loner who pretends to host a Late Night talk show in his apartment. In typical De Niro fashion he takes this sad character and makes you want to root for him. Too bad Rupert Pupkin can’t hear you. After getting turned down for a spot on a Late Night show hosted by the guy who ate Jerry Lewis (Jerry Lewis), Rupert takes matters into his own hands. This film is directed by Martin Scorsese, and when these men create something together the end product never disappoints. They make cinema crack and this film is the perfect fix.
Fuck The Oscars! and check out this classic at your local classic-movie-store.
“Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.” –Rupert Pupkin
Jon “Jersey” M.
Work at a movie theater? Hate the Oscars? Love the Oscars and want to write a review about something that isn’t particularly related to the Oscars? Drop us a line at TheAngryUsher@gmail.com (Please, we’re so lonely!)
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