[F the] Oscar Nominated Shorts: The Ghost of Nominees Past

Who is this “Oscar,” and why is he so into downers?

I lost a little less than four hours of my life watching both the animated and live-action Oscar Nominated shorts throughout this last week. I’m never going to get those four hours back.

Animated Short Films

The shorts are always a gamble in a “I don’t know if the majority of these cutesy wank-offs are going to make me want to rip my eyes out of my skull, but I will give them a chance anyways” kind of way.

This year, it seems that they didn’t have quite enough content, because they packed the 2-hour long in-theater session with intersticial commentary from last year’s animated short winners: William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg , co-directors of The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.

“Lessmore” is an interesting name for a character in an animated film with a budget the size of Titanic

I don’t mean to shit all over anyone’s parade (OK, fine, that is one of my favorite hobbies), but I came to watch the shorts, damnit, not to be lectured about how, if I keep slinging my animated endeavors, even if it takes 15 years to get anywhere, I can definitely, someday, be nominated for an Academy Award. Despite all of the jibber jabber by men with faces clearly made for radio, I won’t deny that there was something charming and whimsical about The Fantastic Flying Books; So sue me, I enjoyed it, OK?

However, that was last year. As far as I’m concerned, Maggie Simpson in The Longest Daycare was the best (read: least annoying) short that the collection had to offer. In tribute to the short movie convention of actually being a SHORT movie, it was only five minutes long. Those five minutes were filled with humour, brilliant sight gags, and a sense of completion for which every film should aim (call me a traditionalist). Yeah, Fox has the budget to make all of their wildest dreams and ambitions into animated reality, but you know what? Money works. Sorry. I feel like this film will win.

There is also a chance that Paperman (NOT to be confused with Paperboy, the 2012 masterpiece where Zac Efron falls in love with a small town hussy) will win. First seen as a short appetizer preceding Wreck-It Ralph, it is the trite story of a 1950’s paper pusher and his utterly pussy-footed attempts at chatting up an Ally McBeal-inspired 1950’s business woman.

He throws about a thousand paper airplanes at her, all of which miss because he is a pussy with terrible aim. Then, at the end, just as we assume that he has lost her forever, magic conspires to animate the paper airplanes, which then go to do his bidding for him. They end up having lunch together and you know that it all ends happily ever after because it is a Disney short. Excuse me while I go and find a small puppy to kick as a palate cleanser.

It would be cool if they accidentally gave the Oscar to Zac Efron. No takesies-backsies!

Speaking of kicking puppies, if The Simpsons and The Paperboy don’t win, I have my proverbial money on Adam and Dog, because it plays on the Western love of biblical cliches and puppy dog eyes. It’s about a dog, and Adam and Eve (of Genesis, 500 B.C.E. fame). Eve comes along and trashes Eden for everyone. Real original guys, thanks. The twist? The dog leaves Eden to follow the wretched original sinners into the new world, because he is man’s best friend. Again, real original, guys.

The topper on the shit-sundae this year was the needlessly added, not-even-nominated, 30-minute “short”: The Gruffalo’s Child. I don’t even want to talk about it. It was tacked onto the end like a desperate plea for the audience to stay in the theater a little bit longer. Also, it came out in 2011, and we’ve all already seen it. What is with all the filler, guys?

Live-Action Short Films

It seems that the overall theme of this years Oscar shorts, animated and live-action alike, was filling in the leftover time blanks with commentary from old winners that no one gives a shit about anymore. The live action shorts were hosted by Luke Matheny, who directed God of Love in 2010, won the Oscar in 2011, and didn’t do anything I heard about in 2012. He sure as fuck didn’t win any Oscars in 2012, so I don’t know what his business was hosting the 2013 Oscar shorts, but there he was.

What I will say for Mr. Matheny is that God of Love blows every single nomination for the 2013 Oscars out of the water. His was an original story of charming proportions, with a unique, jazzy soundtrack and a sobering yet uplifting message at its completion. Again, it was a complete story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I really dig that shit. You can find it online (if you don’t mind overlooking Spanish subtitles), but I’m not going to post if for fear of copyright infringement. (If you want legally-free movies and short films, you have to become an usher like me).

Luke Matheny. He looks suspiciously like a dinosaur, doesn’t he? Oscarsaurus Rex up in here.

This year, the other themes of the Live Action shorts seemed to be death, dread, and depression. With the exception of the last film, Asad (South Africa), each and every contestant made me want to jump in front of a rambling city bus. Out of all of the nominees, only two had a sense of humor about them. Out of those two, only one had a sense of humor that is actually worth a shit or relatable. If you’re into watching old people slip off the edge of the world into dementia and lose their memories, or druggies failing to commit suicide correctly, then you should go watch this year’s chosen few! If you don’t appreciate being made to weep against your will, you should go buy a pint of ice cream and watch reruns of 30 Rock.

I fidgeted uncomfortably for the entire two hours that I was stuck in the theater. I was really very sad. But not sad in a cathartic, “I’m going to weep softly in the darkness of the movie theater” kind of way. I was sad in an angry, “fuck you for doing this to me” kind of way. There was no subtlety this year, there was no categorical shifting or differing. There was only manipulative, cheesy sadness. If I wanted to feel like that for two hours straight I would have stayed home and watched What Dreams May Come.

I hope that Asad from South Africa will win, because it takes a shitty situation and turns it into a cinematically-redeeming experience. It has an element of real world magic. It made me feel like shit while making me laugh. That is the balance that every other nominated film this year failed to achieve. This one has SOMALI PIRATES. That being said, I don’t think it will win, because the Academy seems to be comprised of a big group of rich, depressive assholes.

So there you have it. I wouldn’t really recommend coming to see these short films this year. They will make you sad, or angry. If you do end up seeing them, and they make you feel proud to have spent $10, then maybe you’re reading the wrong movie blog? Or maybe you should give me the number of your psychiatrist?

-Rayna