Listen up you primitive screw-heads! My name is George and I am slave. When I’m not slaving, I’m watching movies (one of the few perks of working at this corporate hell known as the movie theatre). As a matter of fact I watched one last night called Oz the Great and Powerful. I have to say that I was pretty excited to see this one. the Wizard of Oz is one of my beloved childhood movies. In addition to that, Sam Raimi, a man who has directed some of my favorite movies of all time, directs this new Oz adventure. As I was watching it I noticed something besides the occasional blurry 3D effect; Oz the Great and Powerful is basically a remake of an earlier Sam Raimi movie and maybe you’ve heard of it, its called Army of Darkness.
Well the Oscars happened. Was it as good for you as it was for us? It wasn’t super good for us either, mainly because we were working.
We got the gist of it from what we saw at the bar next door during the many beer/cigarette breaks we take though. Here’s a couple of lists we shat out that comprise the GOOD, THE BAD, and THE WHATEVER of the 2013 Academy Awards.
Circa 1995-1997, my bedroom walls contained the following: X-Files trading cards, “Got Milk?” ads, posters of 1996 Olympic gymnastics champion Dominique Moceanu, and a shit-ton of pictures of my favorite actor EVERZ, the *totally* **super attractive** Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was a lady obsessed. I watched whatever I could get my hands on, which wasn’t much at the time, considering I wasn’t allowed to watch rated-R movies. That meant the drug-filled film Basketball Diaries (1995) was out, as was Total Eclipse (1995), best known for featuring fun naked gay times with David Thewlis. But I did watch a lot of “Growing Pains!” He played a sad homeless kid who Mike Seaver took under his wing. I remember the episode when the whole family was worried that Leo’s character, Luke, was a drunkie, but it turned out that he was pouring the family’s liquor supply down the sink because his father was an alcoholic and being around booze made him sad.
I lost a little less than four hours of my life watching both the animated and live-action Oscar Nominated shorts throughout this last week. I’m never going to get those four hours back.
After spending 28 ½ years on this Earth (all of which in the great state of America), I have come to know three things as absolute truths.
1. Macaroni and cheese with bacon is proof of the existence of God. Just look at it. Or you know what? Just imagine it. Fuck you.
2. My heart will no doubt explode before I reach my 50th birthday.
3. Hollywood is smarter than a million Einsteins. Congratulations on relativity, bro, but that was like 200 years ago.
Welcome back to another exciting installment of Fuck The Oscars month! It’s been a while since the last post, but please forgive, for the angry ushers have been busy cleaning up after all of you messy sons-of-bitches. Although it would be easy to rant about the disgusting shit we deal with on a daily basis, I’m sure you cretins would rather read about something movie related, so here it goes: FUCK THE OSCARS! I hate the Oscars with a severe passion; the hate runs deep. Actually, award shows in general piss me off. A bunch of old geezers, sitting around, voting on the same stupid kind of movies every fucking year. We have proof that it is bullshit!